Holy fuck, it has been a while.
Now, I know no one has been reading this, so it's not like anyone was affected by the absence, but still, I like writing and it has been far too long since I wrote something. Anyway, enough pandering.
Okay, what to say about life since my birth month. Well:
- Work beat the ever-loving shit out of me until the end of 2013.
- I got a work physical stress-related injury during that time that set me out on disability.
- During my two month long disability, I was diagnosed with a bulging disc, meaning I can't stand for prolonged periods without exacerbating my disc and thereby causing pain that impairs movement.
- For the last three weeks of disability, I received no pay what-so-ever, and am still fighting to fix that.
- Came back to work at the start of this month, and thankfully have been transferred back to my original position at work, and it is looking hopeful for no restarting the injury.
- I got a couch. It's soft and comfy.
- NetFlix has bombarded me with MythBusters and Supernatural and countless other programs.
- I ate too much junk food while out on leave, and now I have to lose the spare tire.
I think that about covers it. Course, I also had a crazy ass dream last night, which is really the main reason for this post, as it got me thinking.
Long story short, in the dream, I got lost on some back-streets that snaked like a labyrinth (even cutting through houses), and wandered into a certain house full of cats and dogs. Once inside, the lady of the house woke up and saw me, and assumed I was a burglar despite my protests that I was hopelessly lost and trying to make it back to the street. As she called the cops on her cell phone (without getting out of her bedding, for some reason), I started crying and crouching down in a panic. At some point shortly following, my mind did that spasm-thing it does with my dreams where it shifts gears randomly, and I was now in a different room and felt someone to my left. I turned to look, and saw a young woman about my age (not the same woman from before - her daughter, my dream told me). However, the moment I saw her, I sheepishly turned away, blushing and bashful. When I turned back, she was smiling widely with enthusiastic delight at both my shyness and my obvious attraction to her. But it wasn't just her face that was beautiful, it was her eyes.
They were golden yellow.
Not solid golden, or glowing, but they were just normal human eyes with bright golden irises. It was mesmerizing and completely shocked me. My brain did me a solid and she and I had some sex then, and I proceeded to meet her family amid a big dinner they were throwing. Why a dinner and meet-the-family so quickly? See above, about random gear-shifting mind.
Anyway, I didn't write to recount a dream-bang, but to comment on the girl with the golden eyes, and specifically the feeling in the dream that occurred the moment I saw her face. It was such a feeling of complete joy and excitement, it was hard to believe it was a dream. I really hope I can experience that emotion in the waking world, because I cannot recall it ever happening. Sure, I am dating a girl, and I love her dearly, but it was a love fostered over a long period of time, and I didn't even meet her face-to-face until after we had been talking online and over-the-phone for a month.
But that overwhelming feeling in the dream wasn't love, or lust, or some weird misplaced puppy love. It was captivation. I long to feel that in the waking world, whether due to a beautiful landscape, an emotional song, or a breath-taking beauty. And if I was a believer in such things, I would probably search for the girl with the golden eyes in the real world until I found her to see if I could feel it again. Of course, I don't think dreams are real or omens of some sort. They are just the mind running wild during sleep.
But damn, if dreams were more, what I would do.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Too Many Coincidences, Too Few Chances
So help me, I am about at wit's end.
So, the girlfriend informs me that, perhaps, a couple we know may-or-may-not have been thinking of her moving in with them and all three of them raising a child together - birthed from my girlfriend, but not the male DNA from the guy, but also maybe not mine... maybe, I don't know - hearsay and all that, but this was the gist of the topic as I understood it not an hour ago.
As it may-or-may-not be surmised, I am at least loosely integrated into the fringes of what is known as the "kink community" i.e. the whole domination/submission, whips and chains, more "unique" perversions of the human condition. Now, for myself, I don't actually have much involvement (or interest, for that matter) in these proclivities, but the girlfriend does, and I like to facilitate her - whether that is intelligent is up for debate. So I give it a go about a year ago, and let me tell you: it has been one colossal, magnificent, undeniable cluster-fuck from Day One.
Okay, maybe that is a bit harsh. There were certainly some fun things we did, and I did get a roll in the hay with a few ladies here-and-there, but dammit, the stress and aggravation and misery that came as baggage were most certainly not in the fine print. And as a result, I have a sinking suspicion.
I am under the impression that the "kink community" (hereafter noted as KC), either in part or as a whole, is directly influenced by the psychological and emotional failings, defects, and proclivities of its participants. Now, before the torches are lit and the pitchforks raised, I must note I have no direct and substantiated evidence to support this claim. I am merely commenting on the behavior and interactions I have noted amongst individuals within a group, and compared those to individuals in separate, non-intermingling groups. And I know that eye-witness testimony is the least reliable, but then, this is not a court of law or an actual study, merely musings of one lone individual and his opinions, to be taken with a grain of salt and not to be used as an factual data unless otherwise expressly noted as such.
Ok, enough covering my own ass with the jargon. On to the ranting.
It is infuriating to the nth degree, it really is. Never before have I witnessed so much back-stabbing, double-speak, empty promises, and bold-faced lying outside of a political arena before the KC. Maybe it is naive of me to believe other groups are not just as dastardly or damaged, but I can surmise those groups at least hide the deception better than the KC, and are less proud when caught red-handed. I have heard an individual slander another for twenty minutes straight to a crowd of people, only to embrace said other when they joined the group. I have witnessed both men and women treat others as toys, telling them they are special and are loved, only to discard them without pity when something with greater luster walked by. And, as with the notion mentioned at the beginning of this entry, there are entire libraries-worth of dialogue that should concern one party that they are wholly excluded from.
Probably the worst part of all of this is that the KC needs one thing to survive, one thing to thrive. Lots of aspects can improve it, but one thing must be present or it will not function properly.
Trust.
And there is no rational reason to trust such a deceitful bunch. Would you honestly put your own safety, secrets, and sexuality in the hands of a group that behaves in such a way?
Worse yet, the individuals, when not being deceitful and distrusting, are usually spiraling into self-destructive behaviors and subscribing to the literal definition of "insanity" - "a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder" (none of that "repeating over-and-over" nonsense - that never was and never will be the definition of "insanity", just a cute quote attributed to Albert Einstein).
Again, I have witnessed symptoms of various mental defects, including but not limited to: bipolar disorder, Asperger's syndrome, schizophrenia, violent mood swings, kleptomania, Oedipus/Electra complex, clinical depression, suicide attempts, compulsive lying, delusions, hallucinations (obviously someone claiming something was there that was not, not that I witnessed a hallucination), and multiple different body-image and self-image disorders. It was almost like a living Psychology textbook moving about in the real world, each disease given form.
Some of these people only have mild issues, while others are merely a clinical diagnosis away from commitment into an institution. Even worse, most appear to simply wallow in their issues instead of seeking any clinical or pscyhological assistance to rectify or at least mitigate the problems. As a result, I have continuously distanced myself interacting with them on any real level. Of course, being interested in psychology, they are still fascinating to observe and study. Now, if I could only pull the girlfriend away from the unending steam of madness. But, if I cannot, and if push comes to shove, I will save my own sanity above all else, as I would expect anyone to do.
Only you can guarantee your safety and security are in your best interests. As such, you must take care of yourself before you can care for others, and you cannot trust that anyone else will look out for you until they have proven they are up to the task.
So, the girlfriend informs me that, perhaps, a couple we know may-or-may-not have been thinking of her moving in with them and all three of them raising a child together - birthed from my girlfriend, but not the male DNA from the guy, but also maybe not mine... maybe, I don't know - hearsay and all that, but this was the gist of the topic as I understood it not an hour ago.
As it may-or-may-not be surmised, I am at least loosely integrated into the fringes of what is known as the "kink community" i.e. the whole domination/submission, whips and chains, more "unique" perversions of the human condition. Now, for myself, I don't actually have much involvement (or interest, for that matter) in these proclivities, but the girlfriend does, and I like to facilitate her - whether that is intelligent is up for debate. So I give it a go about a year ago, and let me tell you: it has been one colossal, magnificent, undeniable cluster-fuck from Day One.
Okay, maybe that is a bit harsh. There were certainly some fun things we did, and I did get a roll in the hay with a few ladies here-and-there, but dammit, the stress and aggravation and misery that came as baggage were most certainly not in the fine print. And as a result, I have a sinking suspicion.
I am under the impression that the "kink community" (hereafter noted as KC), either in part or as a whole, is directly influenced by the psychological and emotional failings, defects, and proclivities of its participants. Now, before the torches are lit and the pitchforks raised, I must note I have no direct and substantiated evidence to support this claim. I am merely commenting on the behavior and interactions I have noted amongst individuals within a group, and compared those to individuals in separate, non-intermingling groups. And I know that eye-witness testimony is the least reliable, but then, this is not a court of law or an actual study, merely musings of one lone individual and his opinions, to be taken with a grain of salt and not to be used as an factual data unless otherwise expressly noted as such.
Ok, enough covering my own ass with the jargon. On to the ranting.
It is infuriating to the nth degree, it really is. Never before have I witnessed so much back-stabbing, double-speak, empty promises, and bold-faced lying outside of a political arena before the KC. Maybe it is naive of me to believe other groups are not just as dastardly or damaged, but I can surmise those groups at least hide the deception better than the KC, and are less proud when caught red-handed. I have heard an individual slander another for twenty minutes straight to a crowd of people, only to embrace said other when they joined the group. I have witnessed both men and women treat others as toys, telling them they are special and are loved, only to discard them without pity when something with greater luster walked by. And, as with the notion mentioned at the beginning of this entry, there are entire libraries-worth of dialogue that should concern one party that they are wholly excluded from.
Probably the worst part of all of this is that the KC needs one thing to survive, one thing to thrive. Lots of aspects can improve it, but one thing must be present or it will not function properly.
Trust.
And there is no rational reason to trust such a deceitful bunch. Would you honestly put your own safety, secrets, and sexuality in the hands of a group that behaves in such a way?
Worse yet, the individuals, when not being deceitful and distrusting, are usually spiraling into self-destructive behaviors and subscribing to the literal definition of "insanity" - "a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder" (none of that "repeating over-and-over" nonsense - that never was and never will be the definition of "insanity", just a cute quote attributed to Albert Einstein).
Again, I have witnessed symptoms of various mental defects, including but not limited to: bipolar disorder, Asperger's syndrome, schizophrenia, violent mood swings, kleptomania, Oedipus/Electra complex, clinical depression, suicide attempts, compulsive lying, delusions, hallucinations (obviously someone claiming something was there that was not, not that I witnessed a hallucination), and multiple different body-image and self-image disorders. It was almost like a living Psychology textbook moving about in the real world, each disease given form.
Some of these people only have mild issues, while others are merely a clinical diagnosis away from commitment into an institution. Even worse, most appear to simply wallow in their issues instead of seeking any clinical or pscyhological assistance to rectify or at least mitigate the problems. As a result, I have continuously distanced myself interacting with them on any real level. Of course, being interested in psychology, they are still fascinating to observe and study. Now, if I could only pull the girlfriend away from the unending steam of madness. But, if I cannot, and if push comes to shove, I will save my own sanity above all else, as I would expect anyone to do.
Only you can guarantee your safety and security are in your best interests. As such, you must take care of yourself before you can care for others, and you cannot trust that anyone else will look out for you until they have proven they are up to the task.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Squish Squish Squish
I think everyone should have a little healthy dose of cynicism that the dole out from time-to-time. It keeps you down-to-earth when you need to be, without chaining you to the ground.
Take me, for instance. I try to keep a more-or-less positive outlook on life, even though I seem pessimistic because I prepare for the worse outcome in a situation. But that optimism can bite you on the ass if you are not careful, and thankfully (sort of) life keeps cutting my legs out from underneath me enough to never let that optimism phase out my cynicism.
For example, I am very suspicious of other people when I know little-to-nothing about them. And it is infinitely easier for them to damage any trust with me than to gain it. It's about a 15:1 exchange rate with distrust to trust. Sure, it sounds excessive, but dammit, it works. Doesn't hurt that being introverted makes me less willing to engage with random groups when it is not on my terms, so not attending large functions every weekend doesn't bother me in the slightest.
But I have to say, the most asinine thing I see people falling head-first into involves sex. Not gender, I mean "sex" - like rubbing naked sweaty parts together.
I hear people talk about sex as if it is a magical or even holy experience, to be met with reverence and that helps them transcend normal human emotions. I also know of people that discuss sex as if it is filthy and disgusting, or don't discuss sex because of this reasoning. But, come on, people, it's sex. It is no more sacred or sacrilege than going for a run, having a conversation, or taking a nap. It is an activity, done with a partner (or more) or by oneself, that exerts energy and ends with a tingly feeling of satisfaction.
And to compound this crazy belief system, I see a lot of people act like sex with a certain individual is more fantastic than another, or less satisfactory, but let's be real people: the part that made it better or worse didn't have a damn thing to do with what you put your parts into or what parts went into you. It has to do with what else went on, whether it was something emotional, physical, or mental.
In the end, the act of sex just reduces each person to moist meat, with no certain man or woman bringing something different into it. The way new or exciting things come into play has to do with the personality and mindset of the individuals, not the physical make-up of their bits and pieces. Sure, one guy may be longer or thicker in his nethers, and some woman may be tighter or more prone to slickness in her crotch, but the actual act of sex involves things of generally the same shapes achieving generally the same function, and any deviation of those shapes just means more or less work on one or both parties.
So please, people, stop acting like fucking Sally Big-Tits will be better than Jenny Big-Butt, or that Derek Muscles is better than Jack Sportscar. The parts that bring you more attraction have little-to-nothing with sex, but what else they have to bring, either to sex or to non-sex.
Remember, moist meat. That's all we are looking for during sex - a moist pole or a moist hole. All the other stuff is the gravy that gives it the flavor, so those are the more important parts. Without those, it's no different than some alone time with a viscous fluid and that thing you keep in the back of your underwear drawer or in the bedside table.
Take me, for instance. I try to keep a more-or-less positive outlook on life, even though I seem pessimistic because I prepare for the worse outcome in a situation. But that optimism can bite you on the ass if you are not careful, and thankfully (sort of) life keeps cutting my legs out from underneath me enough to never let that optimism phase out my cynicism.
For example, I am very suspicious of other people when I know little-to-nothing about them. And it is infinitely easier for them to damage any trust with me than to gain it. It's about a 15:1 exchange rate with distrust to trust. Sure, it sounds excessive, but dammit, it works. Doesn't hurt that being introverted makes me less willing to engage with random groups when it is not on my terms, so not attending large functions every weekend doesn't bother me in the slightest.
But I have to say, the most asinine thing I see people falling head-first into involves sex. Not gender, I mean "sex" - like rubbing naked sweaty parts together.
I hear people talk about sex as if it is a magical or even holy experience, to be met with reverence and that helps them transcend normal human emotions. I also know of people that discuss sex as if it is filthy and disgusting, or don't discuss sex because of this reasoning. But, come on, people, it's sex. It is no more sacred or sacrilege than going for a run, having a conversation, or taking a nap. It is an activity, done with a partner (or more) or by oneself, that exerts energy and ends with a tingly feeling of satisfaction.
And to compound this crazy belief system, I see a lot of people act like sex with a certain individual is more fantastic than another, or less satisfactory, but let's be real people: the part that made it better or worse didn't have a damn thing to do with what you put your parts into or what parts went into you. It has to do with what else went on, whether it was something emotional, physical, or mental.
In the end, the act of sex just reduces each person to moist meat, with no certain man or woman bringing something different into it. The way new or exciting things come into play has to do with the personality and mindset of the individuals, not the physical make-up of their bits and pieces. Sure, one guy may be longer or thicker in his nethers, and some woman may be tighter or more prone to slickness in her crotch, but the actual act of sex involves things of generally the same shapes achieving generally the same function, and any deviation of those shapes just means more or less work on one or both parties.
So please, people, stop acting like fucking Sally Big-Tits will be better than Jenny Big-Butt, or that Derek Muscles is better than Jack Sportscar. The parts that bring you more attraction have little-to-nothing with sex, but what else they have to bring, either to sex or to non-sex.
Remember, moist meat. That's all we are looking for during sex - a moist pole or a moist hole. All the other stuff is the gravy that gives it the flavor, so those are the more important parts. Without those, it's no different than some alone time with a viscous fluid and that thing you keep in the back of your underwear drawer or in the bedside table.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Science!
I recently have come to realize I should have paid better attention in high school to the mathematics and sciences the teachers attempted to teach me. Sure, some of them could have been more interested in teaching instead of just getting through the lesson-plan, but that is no excuse for me being lackadaisical about the subjects. Oddly enough, I came to this conclusion a little while after abandoning the last shred of religion I was clinging to, a process that has been going about for the better part of a decade, but reached the apex about three months ago, I suppose.
So, after all the years of back-and-forth with religion, I put aside the childish things and moved on. I was committed for years, then began to waiver, and of course, in the strangest and yet most fitting way an atheist is developed - study of religion. You see, when you attempt to better dissect and understand your beliefs (instead of blindly accepting them outright), you have to study the religious texts and teachings. However, the longer this goes on, the more parts of the teachings blatantly contradict the outside world, and even other teachings themselves concealed in the same documents.
So, I struggled to maintain what I was brought up to believe, just like I struggled and rationalized when I wanted to continue believing in Santa Claus. But, as time went on, inconsistency after inconsistency piled up, until I could not pretend to ignore them anymore. I would see good people, faithful people, devout and loving people, suffering, with no explanation in sight. I would see condemnations heaped upon some while praises thrown on others, but could not see the difference in the actions of the two groups. And every time, I turned to the teachings for answers - and they always came up wanting.
Once I realized the religious institution itself was at fault, I tried more rationalization. I tried to convince myself that the beliefs were true, as was the deity, but that the dogma was incorrect - dogma created by fallible men. However, more time passed, and it became clear that the beliefs were also strewn together by fallible men, and I was left with just a deity. So I still tried to cling to that, just in-and-of itself. I tried to believe that the deity was real, and just that most all the writings about it were exaggerated or fabricated.
Then Reality slapped me, and told me something:
"Grow the fuck up."
How could I postulate that this being existed, when the teachings, rules, regulations, beliefs, sayings, and even "evidence" of it were non-existent? I couldn't. Perhaps something existed out there, but it was surely not the god of my youth that I was brought up to love, and at the same time, fear. And even worse, most of the claims about the deity were clearly contradicted by the world around me, with claims that could be tested and verified and re-tested and re-verified, over and over again.
It was at this point that two things happened. I shrugged off the tattered cloth of a weak and ineffectual effigy of fear and devotion in exchange for an open mind and free spirit; and I saw the world for how it truly was - amazing and beyond my comprehension.
And I wanted to comprehend it. I wanted to understand, to learn, to contemplate and experiment and come to know more about a world I had been living in for nigh three decades and yet had never once truly seen. But I found myself without a means to do so, in part due to my lack of focus on the subjects high school would have given me knowledge in that would have given me a foothold to begin this investigation with.
Instead, I sought out videos on YouTube that showcased others with better understanding. Not just understanding in sciences, but also understanding about where I had just come from and where I had arrived: other free-thinkers and those unfettered by ridiculous religious convictions. I found the channels of YouTube users like DarkMatter2525, AronRa, Thunderf00t, potholer54, philhellenes, and The Atheist Experience, to name a few, and not counting the various one-off videos from various users across YouTube, showcasing the talents of great minds like Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Michio Kaku, and others. Even Bill Nye! I watched his show back in elementary school, and damned if I didn't feel like I learned something. And here I come to find out he wasn't just some TV-show host phoning it in, but an actual full-fledged mechanical engineer and a legitimate science communicator. My mind was blown.
And it was at this point I made a decision - that when I finally return to school, I come at it with both barrels. Not just classes to become a designer of video games or some other artistic career. I want to actually learn what I was supposed to along-side my career training: Algebra, Geometry, Calculus, Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Astronomy, and the like.
And I will be coming at them with a mind ready to receive them, instead of one ready to deny them by the light of a flickering candle of a close-minded vacuum of thought brought on by my religious beliefs. Religion stunts the growth of a developing mind, and is tantamount to expelling a child from school in regards to the sciences, history, and any other subject that discusses the world - nay, the existence - we live in.
So, after all the years of back-and-forth with religion, I put aside the childish things and moved on. I was committed for years, then began to waiver, and of course, in the strangest and yet most fitting way an atheist is developed - study of religion. You see, when you attempt to better dissect and understand your beliefs (instead of blindly accepting them outright), you have to study the religious texts and teachings. However, the longer this goes on, the more parts of the teachings blatantly contradict the outside world, and even other teachings themselves concealed in the same documents.
So, I struggled to maintain what I was brought up to believe, just like I struggled and rationalized when I wanted to continue believing in Santa Claus. But, as time went on, inconsistency after inconsistency piled up, until I could not pretend to ignore them anymore. I would see good people, faithful people, devout and loving people, suffering, with no explanation in sight. I would see condemnations heaped upon some while praises thrown on others, but could not see the difference in the actions of the two groups. And every time, I turned to the teachings for answers - and they always came up wanting.
Once I realized the religious institution itself was at fault, I tried more rationalization. I tried to convince myself that the beliefs were true, as was the deity, but that the dogma was incorrect - dogma created by fallible men. However, more time passed, and it became clear that the beliefs were also strewn together by fallible men, and I was left with just a deity. So I still tried to cling to that, just in-and-of itself. I tried to believe that the deity was real, and just that most all the writings about it were exaggerated or fabricated.
Then Reality slapped me, and told me something:
"Grow the fuck up."
How could I postulate that this being existed, when the teachings, rules, regulations, beliefs, sayings, and even "evidence" of it were non-existent? I couldn't. Perhaps something existed out there, but it was surely not the god of my youth that I was brought up to love, and at the same time, fear. And even worse, most of the claims about the deity were clearly contradicted by the world around me, with claims that could be tested and verified and re-tested and re-verified, over and over again.
It was at this point that two things happened. I shrugged off the tattered cloth of a weak and ineffectual effigy of fear and devotion in exchange for an open mind and free spirit; and I saw the world for how it truly was - amazing and beyond my comprehension.
And I wanted to comprehend it. I wanted to understand, to learn, to contemplate and experiment and come to know more about a world I had been living in for nigh three decades and yet had never once truly seen. But I found myself without a means to do so, in part due to my lack of focus on the subjects high school would have given me knowledge in that would have given me a foothold to begin this investigation with.
Instead, I sought out videos on YouTube that showcased others with better understanding. Not just understanding in sciences, but also understanding about where I had just come from and where I had arrived: other free-thinkers and those unfettered by ridiculous religious convictions. I found the channels of YouTube users like DarkMatter2525, AronRa, Thunderf00t, potholer54, philhellenes, and The Atheist Experience, to name a few, and not counting the various one-off videos from various users across YouTube, showcasing the talents of great minds like Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Michio Kaku, and others. Even Bill Nye! I watched his show back in elementary school, and damned if I didn't feel like I learned something. And here I come to find out he wasn't just some TV-show host phoning it in, but an actual full-fledged mechanical engineer and a legitimate science communicator. My mind was blown.
And it was at this point I made a decision - that when I finally return to school, I come at it with both barrels. Not just classes to become a designer of video games or some other artistic career. I want to actually learn what I was supposed to along-side my career training: Algebra, Geometry, Calculus, Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Astronomy, and the like.
And I will be coming at them with a mind ready to receive them, instead of one ready to deny them by the light of a flickering candle of a close-minded vacuum of thought brought on by my religious beliefs. Religion stunts the growth of a developing mind, and is tantamount to expelling a child from school in regards to the sciences, history, and any other subject that discusses the world - nay, the existence - we live in.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Kicking the Habit
I need a new job, and a new vice.
I know I keep coming back to my job and my lack of smoking, but dammit, the job is awful and it being awful makes me want to smoke. Vicious cycles and all that.
Not to mention I would smoke when I would rant and talk to myself. Why talk to myself? Because I am a nutter, that's why! I thought that much was obvious.
Anyway, I need to find a new vice to replace the smoking. It's the ritual I need, so no need to dive into a pile of cocaine or a case of booze. I need some habitual action that involves some ritualized and time-sensitive outlet, like how a cigarette is lit, smoked, and extinguished, all over a certain amount of time (average of 10 minutes in my case). If I am exhaling smoke (or what looks like smoke) then all the better.
And those e-cigarettes didn't work when I tried em years ago. They never shorten so I smoke them for far longer than is recommended.
As for job, going to look into call centers as well as some previous places I was employed, see if anything pops up. Even minimum wage is starting to look more acceptable the way work keeps putting me down and crushing my spirit more and more each day.
I know I keep coming back to my job and my lack of smoking, but dammit, the job is awful and it being awful makes me want to smoke. Vicious cycles and all that.
Not to mention I would smoke when I would rant and talk to myself. Why talk to myself? Because I am a nutter, that's why! I thought that much was obvious.
Anyway, I need to find a new vice to replace the smoking. It's the ritual I need, so no need to dive into a pile of cocaine or a case of booze. I need some habitual action that involves some ritualized and time-sensitive outlet, like how a cigarette is lit, smoked, and extinguished, all over a certain amount of time (average of 10 minutes in my case). If I am exhaling smoke (or what looks like smoke) then all the better.
And those e-cigarettes didn't work when I tried em years ago. They never shorten so I smoke them for far longer than is recommended.
As for job, going to look into call centers as well as some previous places I was employed, see if anything pops up. Even minimum wage is starting to look more acceptable the way work keeps putting me down and crushing my spirit more and more each day.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Alice and the Rabbit
Just because I have agreed to something once, does not mean I will agree again in the future. More inclined to, yes, but not a guarantee.
So, girlfriend and "Oboy" are hanging out today, no big thing, it happens often. They stop by so she can shower real quick, then they were going to hang at his place for a few hours before going to a movie. And yes, they would be having sex at his place.
Then, she gives me a call and asks if I would rather give them some privacy up here in our (hers and mine) place so they can doink, because they piddled around and now traffic is an issue getting to his place, or if I would like to do a threesome.
Now, I have done that song-and-dance before, at least twice, with this same configuration. Both times it was lack-luster, and god dammit, I am not the typical sex-crazed dude. Sometimes, I just want to chill after a hard day of work and relax, with no responsibilities or obligations. And I really don't have my game-face on for a half-hearted and awkward three people fuck, I just don't right now. So, I annoyingly declined. Not annoyed she asked, but annoyed that she goofed around and lost time again.
Before she went downstairs to goof off, she was up here doing so. I kept trying to chase her out so she would not lose track of time, and thereby miss her movie or her boy-toy fucking, or whatever. But, lo and behold, she skimps on time again.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to help her schedule things and stay on target. All I am getting from it is more grey hairs.
And, mark my words, she will goof of with fucking him for so much time they will still miss the movie. Count on it.
So, girlfriend and "Oboy" are hanging out today, no big thing, it happens often. They stop by so she can shower real quick, then they were going to hang at his place for a few hours before going to a movie. And yes, they would be having sex at his place.
Then, she gives me a call and asks if I would rather give them some privacy up here in our (hers and mine) place so they can doink, because they piddled around and now traffic is an issue getting to his place, or if I would like to do a threesome.
Now, I have done that song-and-dance before, at least twice, with this same configuration. Both times it was lack-luster, and god dammit, I am not the typical sex-crazed dude. Sometimes, I just want to chill after a hard day of work and relax, with no responsibilities or obligations. And I really don't have my game-face on for a half-hearted and awkward three people fuck, I just don't right now. So, I annoyingly declined. Not annoyed she asked, but annoyed that she goofed around and lost time again.
Before she went downstairs to goof off, she was up here doing so. I kept trying to chase her out so she would not lose track of time, and thereby miss her movie or her boy-toy fucking, or whatever. But, lo and behold, she skimps on time again.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to help her schedule things and stay on target. All I am getting from it is more grey hairs.
And, mark my words, she will goof of with fucking him for so much time they will still miss the movie. Count on it.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Troubles, Round 2
It has been a week since I had a cigarette.
Well, almost. I had one Tuesday around 2pm, but considering I was a "pack-a-day" kinda guy, I see that as a pretty big leap forward. Even more so because I did not have any medical issue or financial strain to prevent me from smoking, and was around other smokers at least half the time. So I count it in the WIN column (tentatively, at least).
Of course, as I mentioned before, shit hits the fan when quitting smoking. In the last week, I have fought with the girlfriend at least twice, which as anyone in a relationship knows is never a fun way to end an evening. Also have had to have her other boyfriend, here-to-for named 'Oboy' (because that's how I feel about him - "oh boy, here he is again" - he's not a bad guy, I would just have nothing to do with him if not for my lady dating him) drive me around to get parts to fix my car (that wouldn't start this week). And then, work. Oh huzzah, what work has done this week....
I have been scolded twice for problems I could not have known about (remember, still new in this department), and even been told by my new boss the following two phrases in rapid succession (as in, the same breath):
"Nobody is perfect, and mistakes happen - that's ok."
"We can't have any mistakes back here."
Let that shit sink in. 'Everyone makes mistakes, but I will not tolerate mistakes'
..... I know, I had a fucking aneurism, too.
There were some other issues, like redoing work I spent hours on for arbitrary changes, as well as getting my weekend snatched out from under me at the last minute today. Couple all this with the usual aggravations from the new department, and the knowledge that my old department is hemorrhaging trying to fill the void left by my transfer, and I could smack a bitchy manager for screwing everything up like this (just so he could get his precious little promotion instead of someone else).
Anyway, I hope to not rant about the ills of quitting smoking again, as I am actually feeling pretty good about not starting that back up. Just have to find a new oral fixation.
Yes, yes. Ha-ha. Cock-sucking joke. Blah-blah-blah.
All done? Good.
Also, I have found an odd support for shitty work days, and I both understand why it works while being bewildered as to why I love it so much - animal videos on YouTube. Cats, dogs, birds, foxes, big cats, all sorts of things. For some reason, animals thinking they are people cracks me up enough to suffer through a bit more work each day.
Still looking for a different job, though. Just easier pill to swallow.
Well, I have a couple hours left before I need to crash for work in the morning, so I will cut it off here. I had more, and planned on writing multiple times this week, but it never happened. Sometimes it was time constraints, others it was not wanting girlfriend to be nosy about my journal here.
Gonna have to be better about writing in the future. Can't remember it all for a weekly dump.
Well, almost. I had one Tuesday around 2pm, but considering I was a "pack-a-day" kinda guy, I see that as a pretty big leap forward. Even more so because I did not have any medical issue or financial strain to prevent me from smoking, and was around other smokers at least half the time. So I count it in the WIN column (tentatively, at least).
Of course, as I mentioned before, shit hits the fan when quitting smoking. In the last week, I have fought with the girlfriend at least twice, which as anyone in a relationship knows is never a fun way to end an evening. Also have had to have her other boyfriend, here-to-for named 'Oboy' (because that's how I feel about him - "oh boy, here he is again" - he's not a bad guy, I would just have nothing to do with him if not for my lady dating him) drive me around to get parts to fix my car (that wouldn't start this week). And then, work. Oh huzzah, what work has done this week....
I have been scolded twice for problems I could not have known about (remember, still new in this department), and even been told by my new boss the following two phrases in rapid succession (as in, the same breath):
"Nobody is perfect, and mistakes happen - that's ok."
"We can't have any mistakes back here."
Let that shit sink in. 'Everyone makes mistakes, but I will not tolerate mistakes'
..... I know, I had a fucking aneurism, too.
There were some other issues, like redoing work I spent hours on for arbitrary changes, as well as getting my weekend snatched out from under me at the last minute today. Couple all this with the usual aggravations from the new department, and the knowledge that my old department is hemorrhaging trying to fill the void left by my transfer, and I could smack a bitchy manager for screwing everything up like this (just so he could get his precious little promotion instead of someone else).
Anyway, I hope to not rant about the ills of quitting smoking again, as I am actually feeling pretty good about not starting that back up. Just have to find a new oral fixation.
Yes, yes. Ha-ha. Cock-sucking joke. Blah-blah-blah.
All done? Good.
Also, I have found an odd support for shitty work days, and I both understand why it works while being bewildered as to why I love it so much - animal videos on YouTube. Cats, dogs, birds, foxes, big cats, all sorts of things. For some reason, animals thinking they are people cracks me up enough to suffer through a bit more work each day.
Still looking for a different job, though. Just easier pill to swallow.
Well, I have a couple hours left before I need to crash for work in the morning, so I will cut it off here. I had more, and planned on writing multiple times this week, but it never happened. Sometimes it was time constraints, others it was not wanting girlfriend to be nosy about my journal here.
Gonna have to be better about writing in the future. Can't remember it all for a weekly dump.
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