Squish Squish Squish

I think everyone should have a little healthy dose of cynicism that the dole out from time-to-time. It keeps you down-to-earth when you need to be, without chaining you to the ground.

Take me, for instance. I try to keep a more-or-less positive outlook on life, even though I seem pessimistic because I prepare for the worse outcome in a situation. But that optimism can bite you on the ass if you are not careful, and thankfully (sort of) life keeps cutting my legs out from underneath me enough to never let that optimism phase out my cynicism.

For example, I am very suspicious of other people when I know little-to-nothing about them. And it is infinitely easier for them to damage any trust with me than to gain it. It's about a 15:1 exchange rate with distrust to trust. Sure, it sounds excessive, but dammit, it works. Doesn't hurt that being introverted makes me less willing to engage with random groups when it is not on my terms, so not attending large functions every weekend doesn't bother me in the slightest.

But I have to say, the most asinine thing I see people falling head-first into involves sex. Not gender, I mean "sex" - like rubbing naked sweaty parts together.

I hear people talk about sex as if it is a magical or even holy experience, to be met with reverence and that helps them transcend normal human emotions. I also know of people that discuss sex as if it is filthy and disgusting, or don't discuss sex because of this reasoning. But, come on, people, it's sex. It is no more sacred or sacrilege than going for a run, having a conversation, or taking a nap. It is an activity, done with a partner (or more) or by oneself, that exerts energy and ends with a tingly feeling of satisfaction.

And to compound this crazy belief system, I see a lot of people act like sex with a certain individual is more fantastic than another, or less satisfactory, but let's be real people: the part that made it better or worse didn't have a damn thing to do with what you put your parts into or what parts went into you. It has to do with what else went on, whether it was something emotional, physical, or mental.

In the end, the act of sex just reduces each person to moist meat, with no certain man or woman bringing something different into it. The way new or exciting things come into play has to do with the personality and mindset of the individuals, not the physical make-up of their bits and pieces. Sure, one guy may be longer or thicker in his nethers, and some woman may be tighter or more prone to slickness in her crotch, but the actual act of sex involves things of generally the same shapes achieving generally the same function, and any deviation of those shapes just means more or less work on one or both parties.

So please, people, stop acting like fucking Sally Big-Tits will be better than Jenny Big-Butt, or that Derek Muscles is better than Jack Sportscar. The parts that bring you more attraction have little-to-nothing with sex, but what else they have to bring, either to sex or to non-sex.

Remember, moist meat. That's all we are looking for during sex - a moist pole or a moist hole. All the other stuff is the gravy that gives it the flavor, so those are the more important parts. Without those, it's no different than some alone time with a viscous fluid and that thing you keep in the back of your underwear drawer or in the bedside table.

Science!

I recently have come to realize I should have paid better attention in high school to the mathematics and sciences the teachers attempted to teach me. Sure, some of them could have been more interested in teaching instead of just getting through the lesson-plan, but that is no excuse for me being lackadaisical about the subjects. Oddly enough, I came to this conclusion a little while after abandoning the last shred of religion I was clinging to, a process that has been going about for the better part of a decade, but reached the apex about three months ago, I suppose.

So, after all the years of back-and-forth with religion, I put aside the childish things and moved on. I was committed for years, then began to waiver, and of course, in the strangest and yet most fitting way an atheist is developed - study of religion. You see, when you attempt to better dissect and understand your beliefs (instead of blindly accepting them outright), you have to study the religious texts and teachings. However, the longer this goes on, the more parts of the teachings blatantly contradict the outside world, and even other teachings themselves concealed in the same documents.

So, I struggled to maintain what I was brought up to believe, just like I struggled and rationalized when I wanted to continue believing in Santa Claus. But, as time went on, inconsistency after inconsistency piled up, until I could not pretend to ignore them anymore. I would see good people, faithful people, devout and loving people, suffering, with no explanation in sight. I would see condemnations heaped upon some while praises thrown on others, but could not see the difference in the actions of the two groups. And every time, I turned to the teachings for answers - and they always came up wanting.

Once I realized the religious institution itself was at fault, I tried more rationalization. I tried to convince myself that the beliefs were true, as was the deity, but that the dogma was incorrect - dogma created by fallible men. However, more time passed, and it became clear that the beliefs were also strewn together by fallible men, and I was left with just a deity. So I still tried to cling to that, just in-and-of itself. I tried to believe that the deity was real, and just that most all the writings about it were exaggerated or fabricated.

Then Reality slapped me, and told me something:

"Grow the fuck up."

How could I postulate that this being existed, when the teachings, rules, regulations, beliefs, sayings, and even "evidence" of it were non-existent? I couldn't. Perhaps something existed out there, but it was surely not the god of my youth that I was brought up to love, and at the same time, fear. And even worse, most of the claims about the deity were clearly contradicted by the world around me, with claims that could be tested and verified and re-tested and re-verified, over and over again.

It was at this point that two things happened. I shrugged off the tattered cloth of a weak and ineffectual effigy of fear and devotion in exchange for an open mind and free spirit; and I saw the world for how it truly was - amazing and beyond my comprehension.

And I wanted to comprehend it. I wanted to understand, to learn, to contemplate and experiment and come to know more about a world I had been living in for nigh three decades and yet had never once truly seen. But I found myself without a means to do so, in part due to my lack of focus on the subjects high school would have given me knowledge in that would have given me a foothold to begin this investigation with.

Instead, I sought out videos on YouTube that showcased others with better understanding. Not just understanding in sciences, but also understanding about where I had just come from and where I had arrived: other free-thinkers and those unfettered by ridiculous religious convictions. I found the channels of YouTube users like DarkMatter2525, AronRa, Thunderf00t, potholer54, philhellenes, and The Atheist Experience, to name a few, and not counting the various one-off videos from various users across YouTube, showcasing the talents of great minds like Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Michio Kaku, and others. Even Bill Nye! I watched his show back in elementary school, and damned if I didn't feel like I learned something. And here I come to find out he wasn't just some TV-show host phoning it in, but an actual full-fledged mechanical engineer and a legitimate science communicator. My mind was blown.

And it was at this point I made a decision - that when I finally return to school, I come at it with both barrels. Not just classes to become a designer of video games or some other artistic career. I want to actually learn what I was supposed to along-side my career training: Algebra, Geometry, Calculus, Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Astronomy, and the like.

And I will be coming at them with a mind ready to receive them, instead of one ready to deny them by the light of a flickering candle of a close-minded vacuum of thought brought on by my religious beliefs. Religion stunts the growth of a developing mind, and is tantamount to expelling a child from school in regards to the sciences, history, and any other subject that discusses the world - nay, the existence - we live in.

Kicking the Habit

I need a new job, and a new vice.

I know I keep coming back to my job and my lack of smoking, but dammit, the job is awful and it being awful makes me want to smoke. Vicious cycles and all that.

Not to mention I would smoke when I would rant and talk to myself. Why talk to myself? Because I am a nutter, that's why! I thought that much was obvious.

Anyway, I need to find a new vice to replace the smoking. It's the ritual I need, so no need to dive into a pile of cocaine or a case of booze. I need some habitual action that involves some ritualized and time-sensitive outlet, like how a cigarette is lit, smoked, and extinguished, all over a certain amount of time (average of 10 minutes in my case). If I am exhaling smoke (or what looks like smoke) then all the better.

And those e-cigarettes didn't work when I tried em years ago. They never shorten so I smoke them for far longer than is recommended.

As for job, going to look into call centers as well as some previous places I was employed, see if anything pops up. Even minimum wage is starting to look more acceptable the way work keeps putting me down and crushing my spirit more and more each day.

Alice and the Rabbit

Just because I have agreed to something once, does not mean I will agree again in the future. More inclined to, yes, but not a guarantee.

So, girlfriend and "Oboy" are hanging out today, no big thing, it happens often. They stop by so she can shower real quick, then they were going to hang at his place for a few hours before going to a movie. And yes, they would be having sex at his place.

Then, she gives me a call and asks if I would rather give them some privacy up here in our (hers and mine) place so they can doink, because they piddled around and now traffic is an issue getting to his place, or if I would like to do a threesome.

Now, I have done that song-and-dance before, at least twice, with this same configuration. Both times it was lack-luster, and god dammit, I am not the typical sex-crazed dude. Sometimes, I just want to chill after a hard day of work and relax, with no responsibilities or obligations. And I really don't have my game-face on for a half-hearted and awkward three people fuck, I just don't right now. So, I annoyingly declined. Not annoyed she asked, but annoyed that she goofed around and lost time again.

Before she went downstairs to goof off, she was up here doing so. I kept trying to chase her out so she would not lose track of time, and thereby miss her movie or her boy-toy fucking, or whatever. But, lo and behold, she skimps on time again. 

Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to help her schedule things and stay on target. All I am getting from it is more grey hairs.

And, mark my words, she will goof of with fucking him for so much time they will still miss the movie. Count on it.

Troubles, Round 2

It has been a week since I had a cigarette.

Well, almost. I had one Tuesday around 2pm, but considering I was a "pack-a-day" kinda guy, I see that as a pretty big leap forward. Even more so because I did not have any medical issue or financial strain to prevent me from smoking, and was around other smokers at least half the time. So I count it in the WIN column (tentatively, at least).

Of course, as I mentioned before, shit hits the fan when quitting smoking. In the last week, I have fought with the girlfriend at least twice, which as anyone in a relationship knows is never a fun way to end an evening. Also have had to have her other boyfriend, here-to-for named 'Oboy' (because that's how I feel about him - "oh boy, here he is again" - he's not a bad guy, I would just have nothing to do with him if not for my lady dating him) drive me around to get parts to fix my car (that wouldn't start this week). And then, work. Oh huzzah, what work has done this week....

I have been scolded twice for problems I could not have known about (remember, still new in this department), and even been told by my new boss the following two phrases in rapid succession (as in, the same breath):

"Nobody is perfect, and mistakes happen - that's ok."

"We can't have any mistakes back here."

Let that shit sink in. 'Everyone makes mistakes, but I will not tolerate mistakes'

..... I know, I had a fucking aneurism, too.

There were some other issues, like redoing work I spent hours on for arbitrary changes, as well as getting my weekend snatched out from under me at the last minute today. Couple all this with the usual aggravations from the new department, and the knowledge that my old department is hemorrhaging trying to fill the void left by my transfer, and I could smack a bitchy manager for screwing everything up like this (just so he could get his precious little promotion instead of someone else).

Anyway, I hope to not rant about the ills of quitting smoking again, as I am actually feeling pretty good about not starting that back up. Just have to find a new oral fixation.

Yes, yes. Ha-ha. Cock-sucking joke. Blah-blah-blah.

All done? Good.

Also, I have found an odd support for shitty work days, and I both understand why it works while being bewildered as to why I love it so much - animal videos on YouTube. Cats, dogs, birds, foxes, big cats, all sorts of things. For some reason, animals thinking they are people cracks me up enough to suffer through a bit more work each day.

Still looking for a different job, though. Just easier pill to swallow.

Well, I have a couple hours left before I need to crash for work in the morning, so I will cut it off here. I had more, and planned on writing multiple times this week, but it never happened. Sometimes it was time constraints, others it was not wanting girlfriend to be nosy about my journal here.

Gonna have to be better about writing in the future. Can't remember it all for a weekly dump.